As the title says I am so tired of life, if you can even call this a life. I'm fed up with being mentally ill and the symptoms that it brings with it. I don't think that I can stay alive for much longer. I only live for my brother but he has moved out to go to college and is shaping a life for himself. He doesn't need me any more. But I am just trying to fool myself: he does need me. If I were to kill myself it would shatter his life. I could talk to him first though, get him to understand. That's what i'm longing to do, to just tell him that I cannot do this any more.

I wish my brother would die and i'm tired of saying that. If he was dead I could kill myself and be free from all of this. To get through i'm going to have to self harm and overdose so badly. I am one week self harm free and the only thing that is stopping me from self harming is the fact that I have stitches. They are being taken out today and i'm worried that it will make me self harm again.

I also want to overdose. There is nothing stopping me from overdosing other than my fear of causing permenant damage to myself. I have a feeling that I will overdose soon. I try to hold in the urges so that I overdose only once a month but this time I don't think I can. I overdosed almost 2 weeks ago.

I'm sick of the dull daily routines, of having no close friends and no one to socialise with. Not that I could socialise properly, with my social anxiety. I will be working on my social anxiety with my psychologist but it's the waiting to get better that really gets to me. I'm not sure that I ever will get better.

Nights are so bad for me, when all of the professionals have gone home and i'm left with no one. I could phone the voluntary crisis team but they never know how to help, literally. I don't know how to get in touch with the official crisis team as it has just been newly formed. I don't want to HAVE to live life any more. I am being forced to live. I want to WANT to live but I don't see that happening. The best thing for me would be to die. I just have to convince my brother of that.