MMF,

Random thoughts:

So I am confused. Are you saying that after you told your wife what you needed in your marriage, she retorted with a rant on how you were failing her? Does that mean that there is a 99% chance that divorce is imminent?

You love her, but she can only give conditional love? It doesn't seem that you can live with that (don't know how anyone could, really), so do you think you can continue to live with it or do you think she can change?

This is a very large and complicated thing we're talking about here, of course. It isn't about money. You know that, don't you? It isn't about having enough help around the house so that there's time for her to be rested and beautiful and loving for you. This is all about control. She is trying to control you by putting all time and energy into things such as the children, redecorating and shopping. This also is an escape. You are not getting what you need from her, so you also have emotionally escaped into another realm. This also gives you a sense of control. There are all sorts of other ways with which you two are trying to control each other that you have not mentioned or may not see. Until that is addressed, you will be at a stalemate. There is a book called "Crazy Time" that addresses all of this. I'll have to look up the author's name. Edelman, I think her name is. Excellent book. I highly recommend it. It opened my eyes to what had really happened in my marriage.

Ok, back to Door No. 3:

You are looking for emotional support so that you can endure this dysfunctional relationship perhaps for 16 more years or until your wife comes to her senses. I don't mean to sound harsh, but isn't this what it boils down to? Finding another woman to listen to you (or even finding a male friend in whom to confide) may lighten the burden somewhat. If you choose a woman, then you have the whole sex issue eventually facing you again. A male friend would be safer, but I know that doesn't feel quite the same. I have found that confiding in my female friends a better alternative for me because I don't need to add more heartache to my situation.

A fine example I have right now: I was in a yearlong relationship with a man. He just ended it. We both have our share of divorce and relationship baggage that we tried to help each other with. I think we did give each other some good support, but now the relationship is over because he has decided he wants a longterm serious relationship and I don't fit his idea of a person who could be that. Do you see what I am trying to say? Ok, yea I got some good support, advice, and physical intimacy for a year. I also sustained additional damage, emotion-wise. Now back to Square One. I am hurting, but I will get over it. Was it worth it? I'm not sure. I need more time and to step back. And I don't even have this whole marital issue roiling in the background as you do. What incredible stress!!! Who needs it!? (My opinion, of course; maybe you can stand it.) In the meantime, my housemate (female), good friends, and my therapist are helping me keep focused.

Again, I would suggest finding a really good therapist in which to confide. They are trained to help people deal with situations such as yours. Finding a "civilian," so to speak, man or woman, can help provide support in between therapist discussions. And therapist discussions can provide support in between friendships/relationships. (BTW, that last sentence does not mean I am condoning another relationship such as your last one or the one that you are wishing for because I don't think it's emotionally healthy.)

I guess my bottom line at the moment is: you need a support system that includes more people than what you had because what you had with this one woman was intensely supportive and emotionally fulfilling while it lasted, but the failure of this support system has also hurt you much more deeply than if you had had a larger network.

Your thoughts?