Family relationships are a balancing act. Chances are, your father's never going to change substantially--should you try to accept him the way he is, flaws and all? Or is his behavior so hurtful that it would be better for you to distance yourself? It seems like you're wrestling with something like this--on one hand you say, "It's like, you always want your parents to be there for you" and on the other, "I have fantasies about paying him back everything he's given me and being free, free, free."

And with parents, especially--we grow up looking up to our parents and thinking that they're wise and strong, larger than life. (At least I did.) Little by little, we have to admit that they're sometimes weak and petty and scared, just like the rest of humanity. It's impossible to be objective about your own parents.

Good luck sorting everything out. Take care of yourself.