((((KeepHoldingOn))))

I just read this and I want you to know that it is okay to slip up. I slip up when the pain is too much or I feel so trapped that I feel no other way out or to be able to relieve the pain I am feeling. Do I like it? No. Am I judged for it? With some. But if they are going to judge me then do I really want them in my life.

Everyone deals with pain and hurt in different ways. Whether they SI or drink or eat or not eat or whatever they do, they have their ways of dealing. No one has the right to judge you until they have walked in your shoes. I hate when I fall and SI but it happens. It is not something I plan but when the pain starts sometimes it is just what it is.

I know that you know as I know that when we SI we are doing it for a reason. My reason is to get the pain from the inside somehow to the outside even if only for the moment. I know that it is not the answer but it is a coping mechanism I have used for as long as I know.

I know that when I do it I have then the pain of what I did, the shame of doing it again both to myself as I told mytself I would not do it again, and the shame of others seeing it. I also know that there is guilt of doing it and of what others think.

There is also the pain caused by doing it and also the fact that even after it is all done and over the original pain of what caused me to SI in the first place is still there staring at me. Until I am ready and willing to talk about the pain inside it will not go away. But this takes time.

I hear you say that therapy is not doing anything for you, stick it out and it will. I know that so many times I do not want to go and I always say it. But I also know that when I do not want to be there is when I need to be there the most.

I think it takes a long time to be able to build that trust up in even your t to really talk about things. When I do go to see my t and I do not want to go, it seems that is when I do the most work and things really seem to come to the surface.

But be patient with yourself and accept yourself for who you are. I am sorry that your friend reacted in that way. Maybe he needs time to think about it and to let it sink in. He I am sure does not understand it and he may hurt for you as he feels like what can he do to help.

If they are pushing you to tell them then I think that you have a right to set boundaries. You have a right to your feelings and to open up as you can and you want to. There is nothing wrong with not telling them if that is how you feel.

I am sorry you feel so alone. I do get that as even though there are people in my life that I know love me and care I still feel all alone so many times. When we feel no one understand then it is hard to not feel alone. But I want you to know that we do hear you and we do get it.

Being who you are is important. We are here to listen and to support and encourage you. Be kind to you hon. Do something nice for you. You do deserve it. Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts. Always.

dps