Well, these are some thoughts I have had for a very long time and I think that I have come to the conclusion that this is the reason I do not want to seek professional help. I don't want to go get professional help because for the breif time that I tried it before it worked too well. What I mean by this is that when I started taking Paxil and Prozac (Different times mind you) they worked. The thing is that when they worked I seemed to lose my creative side of me such as good writing, writing music, and most importantly thinking constantly. I felt as if I had lost a huge portion of myself that I had only when depressed and it was a scary thought and that's why I told my paren'ts "These drugs don't work, I don't want to take drugs anymore" because they work so well.

I'm freaked out at the thought of being set free from depression because it feels like I am going to loose who I am and what I stand for.
Basically if I ever get out of depression I am worried I will become the thing I hate, a happy go lucky, "I never ever have a problem in my life" fruitcake. It scares the crap our of me. I might loose lots of attributes I like about myself, such as how honest and up front I am. Bluntness if for sure my best quality and I feel like I'd loose that and all those other things.

For example, when I have a day of absolute fun and feel so signs of depression whatever. When I get home that night I sit in my room and start freaking out thinking "Holy crap, Holy freaking Crap, why was I not thinking today!? Oh My goodness" and then try to get myself feeling depressed and crappy by slapping on some Radiohead or Our Lady Peace. Music is my trigger for feeling like crap btw. Anyway hope you guys understand why I don't want to get any form of help. I want to stay depressed I believe.

Ian

Death Calls Us All, How Long We Prolong It Is Our Choice