My sessions with T have been a little hard lately.

October is historically a really bad month for me, with near-hospitalizations, etc. Just BAD. I decided last November after barely surviving last October to make THIS October different. So, I have a lot of big (like, really big) positive things planned for next month.

At the same time, I'm running myself into the ground. It seems like whenever I sit still, I have a panic attack. It happened in the waiting room waiting for T today. And then once I get past the panic, I'm SOOOOOOO tired. T told me today that I was so tired I was slurring my words.

Session was weird - I felt myself drifting in and out. T would ask "what did you mean when you said x?" and I would literally have no memory at all of saying it, even though it was apparently just in my last sentence.

I finally told him that all I really want is for someone to take care of me. And I do. I am working SO HARD, and T knows it, and gets it, and acknowledges it, and we both know this year is hugely different from years past...AND its still hard, which sucks. I told T I am trying to let myself be okay with it being hard. To know that whatever I'm doing to get through it is good enough.

I asked him to sit with me and he did and he held my hand. He asked "what would being taken care of look like?" and...i dont KNOW. I said "I guess like this".

At the end, I told him that he could make everything better if he would just tell me I'm his favorite (this is an ongoing half-joke we have). He said, really? it would be that easy? And I said yes. He stopped writing my receipt and looked WAY into my eyes and said "I really want you to start trying to internalize this. I care about you. I like you. I love you". there was a pause and I said "you forgot to say 'THE MOST'". which made T laugh really hard.

I'm not even sure what I'm doing there. We don't really talk about anything. I'm really sleepy and I sort of lay there and let myself drift. sometimes I think we talk about not talking. It's SO quiet. I guess it's peaceful, but....?

I think I just need the support right now. I think I just need to know that october can come and I can run and run and I can go there to rest and that T is just THERE. I guess that's what I need. I'm not sure.

Just feeling kind of confused, I think.