Therapy isn’t working because I don’t want it to. I’m living on the edge but I like it. I love how SI makes me feel, I love everything about it. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t start cutting. I don’t know who I am or where the heck I’m going in life but right now I’m content. Content with feeling numb, just getting by every day. There are so many things I’m unsure of but SI is something that’s constant in my life, something that has never let me down or disappointed me. The shame, well I can deal with that. I’m starting to feel like my life isn’t so bad how it is, that the pain I feel is normal. I accept that pain with open arms, living with it but never learning from it. Some days I hate it, I hate SI and want nothing to do with it, but in the end it’s all I have and I run back to it. It takes the agony and hurt I feel and makes it physical, real, and tangible. I feel so numb, dead, emotionally detached, and reserved. At the same time I’ve never felt more alive even though I feel nothing. Each day I wait for the numbness to take hold, to consume me until I feel nothing at all.