Okay. Hmm...So the beginning says its all. I finially made a doctor's appointment. I went in for my first appointment. I brought Keisha with because I thought it would be cool for her to hear the heart beat. I didn't want to do it alone and knew she would like it. So the doctor tries for ten minutes or so for a heart beat. Nothing. No alarm. "The uterus could be tilted" "Maybe you are not that far along" Ultrasound the next day. Late afternoon. The admitting lady was not as informed or as nice as she should have been. I referred to her smugly as "the 'friendly' lady named Sharon". Of course they don't really say much at all. "this is the gaestrasiol sac" (However you spell that, or whatever) It was very tiny. I could see a whitish shape. It measured at about 8 weeks. Keep in mind I am supposed to be at least thirteen weeks to even make sense. "what are the results?" No results until the doctor comes. "Wait here" I knew then. I prepared for what I knew. Of courset it seemed like the minutes streached to hours. . Doctor comes in. He is a friendly guy. I like him. He tells me there is no, I want to say "vitals" as he is somtimes hard to understand because of his thick african accent. Meaning no movement, no sound, no nothing. I need to do blood work. They basically need to measure my pregnancy hormones and then retest in 72 hours. So I hav eot wait til Monday to confirm. People say to give it hope but I know. It's one of the things. I am starting to have the pain, cramping. The lower back aches. The head aches. No bleeding yet, but fluid. I thought I had peed my pants yesterday. so....how about the other fifty million questions? How am I? Did you tell him? What did he say? (it's 1249am and this might take forever and be emotional so I will giv eyou the short version)......

I took the news at first good. I am a strong person. I can be emotionally unavailablt at times. My defense is humor and raw honesty intertwined. A happy tragedy. Today was the aftermath where it bothered me even more. I had to go out in public, I am sorry I chose to go out to see my brother's band play and didn't want anyone to ask me about it. Which one person did "Aren't you pregnant?" and I answered "I don't know." "NO really I don't know" Because I am naturally a smart ***. Rest assured it's okay. Safely it is something that gets mentioned that ONE time and that is it. We naturally do thing. Drop the nonessential tragedys. Emotionally I am in denial. I hate to say I was really exicted. Why I would want to lie about it seems stupid but by accepting this truth I would break down and go absolutly stark raving mad. Is it okay to not grieve in the tradionaly sense? What is even apporiate? I want to cry, I don't know if ever I want to try again. I couldn't go through with this again. The chance. And him....the father....well....I don't even know. Today I wanted to plan to see each other. Like in the next couple days. Yeah, no. Basically and this is not quoted and just how I interrupt his action and response. That even though he talked to his wife, she is still there and so he can't. (my loyal readers, I was jsut as outraged) Mind you this morning she cracked into his alltell account and wrote down my numbers in her calender book. A number that is called very very frequently with long talk time at weird hours and intervals and distant and well yeah.........at first I felt wrong to be mad at him, almost afraid to. Now I just fester all my emotions at him and am one gigantic pissed off person. If that even makes sense. I dont think that five minutes out of his busy schedule will matter. I don't think I am selfish. Consdering I dont ask him for much at all. I haven't needed anyone like this before. I would have liked to talked face to face. But no, I feel I am not important enough. Like turning in a late assignment at school, saying silently, I did this when I wanted to and you are getting it now that I want to give it to you. I know so many people who lie. He really hasnt even sneaked around. I made it convient going to his house while she was at work. I am hurt and mad and upset and well F___ him. I know, I know I have these moods where I say that but given the circumatances around this one, I have every right. And I feel that if this is the case now, how will it be if ever I really need him? When you love someone you make every attempt to be there. Atleast that is a part of its defination. I think. I know I would try to be there.

I suppose the best thing that came out of it is that he does not have to hurt his wife and kids. Although I am begining to resent him for everything. This is probably what they call projection or some defense. Where he is my scapegoat and instead of coping I blame him. Nothing binds us anymore. I feel alone. I feel unimportant. We have changed, whether he knows it or not. He has let me down and maybe when I am done being mad he will be forgiven and yet not forgotten. Always remembering it could happen again. I would have been there. I would have found a way. Who knows maybe he will feel guilty and show up and yet I dont think i want the reality. I think I am going to just block him from life. think of the baby I could have shared with him and the tragedy of it all and how he wasn't there in it's farewell and not want to see him. Has the day arrived? Buh bye from life. The irony of it all. For not being in a relationship that I am in, it's hard to leave it. But I think this is telling me a lot more than something. I prayed I wouldn't go crazy about this. Is it wrong just to accept it and move ahead, like right away. Find out the horrible news and dust myself off and keep on sailing? Must I activly morn? Wht is appropriate? Thanks for listening to me, I know I rambled a lot but THERE is so much on my mind. SO much happening all at once. Life needs to settle down jsut for a little while. The monkeys are dancin gin my head with the symbols walking back and forth. BANG!!! BANG!!! (114)