Well, I have been doing fine this week so far with NOT sending T any emails since that lost one that was my post here on PC. For me, that is a record since I emailed T almost every day at least 2x (usually much more) since my truama work started.

So instead, I did my homework and made my own self care list of things I have to do when I get upset. I have to follow the exact order when I get stressed ...
1) Take 10 deep breaths.
2) Wash hands under cold water.
3) Take a 5-10 min walk.
4) Email my best friend or call her.
5) Come to PC and post an email and/or go into support chat.
6) Email or call my mentor.
7) Email or call my close friend from work who is like a big brother.
8) Call the crisis center or e-mail the crisis center I have contacted before.

I have to do each step and then evaluate my mood and then if it is not better I go on to the next step.

So I have been doing great with these steps and so far I have been able to stop at step 4. Mainly because I don't want to "bother" my best friend so I decide to just stuff away whatever it is bothering me. But so far it has worked for me while at work.

Anyway, note that emailing T or calling T is not on the list. I am trying to move away from needing him or even wanting him because I have to grow up anyway so I am trying to do that. So as a part of all that, I decided to not stay logged into my personal email. I don't want to sit around looking at the box and wondering if T would email me out of the blue - because he NEVER does that.

Well..... today I stayed logged out but then I got home and ready to relax and get on PC and chill for a few hours and check my email finally. YEP! That T sent me an E-mail out of the dang blue!

What is odd is that I was feeling NOTHING for him one way or the other about all this. Focus was on me trying to grow up and get over all this stuff somehow. Well, when I saw his email address in the list, I actually got VERY ANGRY all at once!! I went from nothing into almost rage inside. I had to do my steps to just calm down and not get mad. Well, you can see I am on the step 5 now.

The only thing the email was about was some login for his website where he is going to allow clients to log in and check their accout balance stuff. But I had to go to his website and see his face and there wasn't a login for that stuff, so that forced me to email him back. And that made me mad a bit too.


Oh well. I just found my response strange to all this.