This thread has given me a lot to think about. Sorry ahead of time for the novel.
I have struggled with weight problems since puberty. I matured early and the other kids would make fun my appearance, particularly my weight. Looking back, I wasn't fat at all (5'6" and 130lbs), but at the time I thought I must be horribly obese for my weight to garner that much attention.
Rather than try to lose weight or experiment with clothes and makeup, my reaction was to say "Well, I guess I was born fat and ugly". It seemed like fate. I couldn't change it and there was no point wasting my energy thinking about clothes and food. In fact, if I made any attempts to improve my appearance, I'd only embarrass myself by struggling against the unfixable.
In my teen years, people would say "Don't eat so much cereal for breakfast! You're going to get fat!" and I would think "Who cares? I'm already fat. And even if I lose weight, nothing's gonna cure the ugly. Might as well enjoy this food".
In recent years, I have become more educated about nutrition and have been trying on and off to lose all the extra weight I've put on. Unfortunately, I've become the dreaded Yo-yo Dieter. I lose 20 lbs and then immediately gain it back.
I always thought that my problems with weight stemmed from depression. It seemed like I would lose weight, hit a bad spell with depression and lose all my motivation, eat a bunch to make myself feel better, and then gain all my weight back. Then I'd feel really sorry for myself for a few months and trash talk myself for failing yet again before working up the motivation to give it another go. Repeat forever.
Something deliquesce said
Quote:
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"i've also made attempts at treating my body properly - trying to recognise that i'm actually in it (i have a weird "me"/"my body" split going on that i'm not sure about enough to explain), and that it deserves care (as do i)."
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and something Sannah said
Quote:
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"As this thread has progressed I feel now that my issue isn't so much about self worth and deserving to look good, I believe that it is about being integrated with my body. I have not been integrated with my body so I eat without awareness of what my body needs or how I need to feel in my body."
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has made me reconsider that belief.
When I think about it, I have always been so disconnected from my body. I do not think of it as "me". I don't have any pictures of myself because they look like pictures of a stranger. An ugly stranger. I feel no connection to my appearance at all. I think maybe that happened on purpose, because if I think too much about my appearance, I become very depressed. Better not to think about it at all.
To me, taking care of my body is a chore that I have to do and I just keep putting it off. If I were to write out a list of things to do, it might look like this:
1. Clean gutters
2. Mow lawn
3. Be healthy
4. Fix bathroom tile
etc.
Not only does my brain not make the connection that taking care of my body = taking care of myself, but I really struggle with the idea of daily upkeep. I want to be able to check it off my list and never have to think about it again. Maybe once a month I could take a multi-vitamin and consider my job done.
I feel like my body is such a burden. I wish it was like a house; when I get tired of taking care of it, I can just get rid of it and rent a body. Let the landlord worry about upkeep.
Except I can't get rid of it. I am stuck with this body and that is so overwhelming and claustrophobic for me. I hate being unable to escape things because then, eventually, I have to deal with them.
Anyways, sorry again for the super long post. Upon re-reading it, it looks more like a journal entry than a real post, but I am going to post it anyways. I have been reading so many posts here and haven't been contributing at all. It's starting to make me feel like a creepy spy.