Maybe you are feeling angry because you feel that contacting T is now something like a no-no. Then you , somewhere deep down, secretly hope that T contacts you out of the blue, and when he does, well, what a disappointment. He is sending a really impersonal message that he sent to all his other clients. Grrr. However, T is still your strongest and most reliable support, so why take him off your list of coping mechanistm altogether? He is providing you with excellent professional support when you most need it, and don’t forget that you hired him to do this. Maybe it would help if you don’t make contact with him ‘forbidden’ mentally, and just leave that option open, in principle. How fantastic that you are trying out other ways of coping and are managing so wonderfully for now! But remember that T IS there too and you don’t have to feel you ‘bother’ him or that you failed when you have to email him. It is his job to be there, after all. What he is probably concerned about is your use of suicide gestures, SI, emotional acting out in real life (suddenly walking away from job, etc.) as a way of coping, not so much the fact that you contact him about this. Although this is just my guess, I don’t actually know what he said to you. But I am sure that if you are in crisis he should know about that and you should let him know. I think his aim is that you try and avoid being in crisis in the first place (difficult one, I know).

This is not in response to your post, just a general thought, but bou’ve been having trust issues with him throughout; have you thought of reasons why he CAN be trusted? He is not your abuser; you have worked with him for quite a while (years?) and he is still there, helping; you are not a child any more and he is no pedophile; he cannot betray you (and why would he, he wants you to make progress): you hired him and he is there while you need him; he is legally obliged to keep everything confidential; he is a good enough parent figure: he doesn’t respond to every single email you write but he responds to emails promptly whenever he is able to; he has no interest in abusing you – if he was an abuser you would know that by now; if he was in any way dodgy (creepy, unreliable/ unethical/ unprofessional, etc.) you would know it by now. It is in his best interest that you do well and make progress.

Re coping mechanisms, how about journalling or automatic writing, or creative writing – you seem to be doing these too. Making friends or catching up with old friends (i.e. extending and strengthening your support networks) is also an important, longer term goal. That will also make you feel less dependent on T ultimately (and less emotional about whether he is there or not, whether he loves you or not, etc.), as others will gradually take om his role. But for now, keep all these up, and at the same time let T be there when really needed.