Zoo --- it really is hard to not be our own enemy when we had no one else to blame as children. When anger can't be directed outward, it turns inward. That is a sad thing to realize. But maybe realizing it can allow us to change it? I hope so anyway.

Tree --- you are very welcome. I am glad I posted it if it helps you make a list too :-) It is not easy to follow the steps when I am more familiar with just living and letting emotions rule my life. It is like I have to be the boss of me for a change. That is a job!

Elliemay --- thank you very much for understanding. Yes, that is what it feels like at a deep level. urrrrr. Odd how our emotions can feel what is not truth.

Oceanwave --- You give me tons to think about. I know he has only been doing what is right and professional. Logically I understand all of what you shared. It is my heart that doesn't agree with my head. And that is the poisoning of my heart from the past abuse. I am trying to figure out how to get my heart to feel what my head knows. I do people I can turn to for help, but I don't want to do that because I did that and my heart just gets wounded time after time after time. And those friends rarely did anything on purpose to hurt me. But I still experience it and then shut down emotionally. I try to make myself trust them again but something else will happen and I shut down again. After years, my heart just has a lot of calluses.

I didn't love T at first, so I wasn't able to be hurt from anything he shared or any percieved wrong. I have only known him for a year, but the close work we did and him telling me to trust him made me open my heart to him. My heart feels like an egg that has been boiled but the insides are still runny. I am very tough emotionally until my shell is gone. And then I am a mess. urrrrr.

I just have to figure out how to fix this old heart of mine. Thank you again.