hy everyone. it's been long time since i wrote here. but i thought i'd keep you guys updated. i haven't seen any other doctor. and i will not even go there. i decided i don't want to use any antidepressants anymore. why should i start taking things again which i can get addicted. So only thing i am taking is St. Johns wort. and i think it is helping. i am not happy, but i am better. i don't cry that much anymore. And i have thought about things more. and i guess i will just think myself better. And i also do some exercises. Like every night writing down positive things that happened on that day. Just so i could see something positive does happen And that has helped me a lot. I didn't notice it previously, but now i see better.
Now i have another issue which i have to deal with. I can manage my suicidal thoughts and depression somehow, but my partner broke down. He is crying, all negative and depressed and occasionally thinks that everyone would be better without him.... how to handle that, when i am already struggling with myself? :S This is the hardest time for me now. I want to be there for him, but at the same time i could need some help, positive motivation and support. but he is a wreck right now... and i am giving all my energy to him to get him through somehow and tell him that he will be better etc... but there isn't much energy left for myself...i am feeling stronger, but i am SO afraid to fall back again... i try to keep it all in, but i am not sure how long can i handle that.
also there is no-one to talk to. if my partner is depressed, crying, tired, negative, then i don't want to go and tell him more negative things. and my mother... when i talk to her, she just thinks she knows better what would help me and that's annoying. she can't even listen to me properly, like really listen. just tells me what to do all the time. so when i speak to her, i pretend i am all nice and dandy, just so she wouldn't piss me off with her telling me what to do. and i don't have any friends to turn to. anyway just letting you know how i am doing... and maybe someone can give some advice how to handle myself and my partner at the same time.