thanks...

therapy .... (looks for emoticon wiht head buried in the sand )

time...ive given it many years - i think some things you cant fix and maybe you ahve to accept that - but im not good at accepting either........
or letting it go.......

avoidance - now im good at that! disassociation - taking a step back and living in dreams while my life falls to pieces - yep got that down pat lol

if you touch a fire and it hurts you - why touch it again? reality is my fire and i dont want to touch it again - i know i have to - but im fightintg it inside - dragging my feet every step of the way and sliding back as fast as i can when ever i get the chance......

I dont deserve ..... i cant erase the stain ..i can see it....... dark and filthy ... when i look in the mirror - on those rare occassions that i focus on me - i see it ....

I am told it wasnt my fault - then why pick me and not my sister - what did i do that made me a target? did i somehow send the wrong signal.....

i dont know and il never know cos i wont ask my brothers and my dad is dead.....

and almost 4 years ago the guy that attacked me brought all this back to me - he didint touch me physically - but he tore me apart inside... and i hate him - i dont hate the ones form my childhood - youre supposed to love your family arnt you - so i do - but i cant say the words is all...
or elt them touch me - we've never talked about it and i dont want to - that would make it real - this way - it can be just my imaginantion- just a dream - just my warped mind making warped dreams ...

and the body memories at night - thats cos i have bad bloood in my veins - how do i get rid of that?

I spend my days in games on the computer so i dont have to communicate - now i come here -cos i am so full i cant hold it inside any more...

it feels like i will burst open ....scream ...cry..shout.. i dont know ... never stop..thats why i cant start i wont start!

just howling in the rain i guess - like some old dog locked out of the house.......