Thank you tamzin (for your kind comments too; I'm glad if I was able to help).

I feel I need looking after right now so I am grateful (again) for your help.

Had a good but hard session with my pastor and his wife this afternoon. They were really great, and it was very helpful - I made all kinds of connections between how I think now and past experiences. One thing which really really impressed me is that they didn't try to offer any quick fixes, but they affirmed how I feel now and understoond why I feel that way. It didn't matter that logically it does not all make sense, they accepted where I am emotionally. After years of hearing that my feelings are "wrong" it really did feel good that they said that they understand why I feel taht way and that it makes sense that I would feel as I do.
But I am feeling sad and vulnerable tonight.
C