Ian,

Those are some good observations. I guess I'm in the same place at least a little bit. My T has decided that I need to be on prescription medication. I really don't like that idea, and I do have a choice about it - nobody's going to force me (although I'm concerned about what the doctor might say or do - I have an appointment tomorrow ). Most people don't understand why I don't want to be medicated. I've always said that my concerns were side effects and cost, as well as not wanting to be dependent on meds for the rest of my life, which is what they are telling me it would probably be. I want to have control of it myself, and prescriptions are something I can't control. One reason why I want to control it myself is that I don't know if I can stand for the depression to entirely go away. I don't have much confidence that the drugs would even work, but I'm also afraid that it would work too well.

Two weeks ago I hit another low point. I was at 66 on the Goldberg scale (the depression quiz on this site). Sometimes I have wondered if I exaggerate my responses on that and come out with a higher score than would really be right, but this time I know I didn't. I've actually been trying to talk myself into the lowest responses possible. I was afraid to tell my T I was using a self-diagnosis tool, but I did, and he was concerned about me scoring that high, even though it was going down within a couple of days (a few days around 50, then most of the next week in the low 40's). I knew that was bad - I spent most of that one day as a crumpled heap on the floor, which is really not a good sign. I don't like being that bad - it is really miserable and I'm not creative then either, in fact I can't do anything at all. In the 50's on the scale I manage to do things but it's really hard. The 40's are almost tolerable. Today I'm at 31, which is about where I usually am. I'm okay at this point - I can do things, I don't particularly want to die, but don't have any fear of death either, I feel in touch with feeling, not numb or unrealistically happy - I feel like myself. The only time I can remember feeling significantly better was after my initial evaluation with my current T. He's good, and whatever it was, feeling like I was understood for once or something, the clouds lifted completly and I felt good, unqualified good - that lasted for three days, and I did like it, but I don't know if I could stand to be like that all the time. The way I am is the way I am. I want to be able to function, to do the things I need to do. I don't want to be sitting around wishing I could die, but I want to be me. I don't know who I would be on meds.

Ian, consider how creative you are when you get really bad. My guess is probably at the extreme end you don't get much done. Do you like being that bad? Are you more comfortable somewhere in the middle like me? Maybe you could work on being just a little bit better. I don't know if the professionals would go for that as a goal or not. I think I'll write to my T about this and see if he has anything to say about it - that should be interesting. Anyway, I think this was a very intelligent observation you have made, and insightful. Thanks for sharing it.

Wendy

<font color=green>"Loneliness does not come from having no people about one, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to oneself, or from holding certain views which others find inadmissible" Carl Jung</font color=green>