I honestly think I had my hardest session ever today.

It was like all of a sudden everything made a sick sense in my mind - that the abuse from my mom was a punishment for the CSA stuff. It felt so real and so true. I think I kept asking T to stop, and I think he wasn't doing anything. The feelings were so big and deep and overwhelming. I don't know if things have ever felt that big and that horrible. I just wanted to escape, but I was frozen. Absolutely. Frozen.

I remember thinking during it, "this is the worst it's ever been". And I think it was.

I think it led us deeper into the CSA stuff and finally I couldn't take it anymore and asked if we could please stop. T asked "is that all that you can handle right now?" and it was and i think we stopped. T sat with me and I held his hand and his arm. We were going to stand up but I was way way way too dizzy so we sat on the edge of the couch. He told me a story about a bird he saw this morning, and I told him a story about a spider I saw this morning.

I asked for paper and I wrote some stuff down and put it in my box and we put a rock on the lid so it will stay there.

T said today was really, really, really hard and big. He said I was brave. He said something about being gentle with myself, but I can't remember what.

Maybe this is the way out of the October stuff. Maybe. I know I have to go through things to get past them, but wow. My head hurts so so so so much.

I can't even put into words what it was like. Just the worst feelings and thoughts EVER.

At the end, T told me that if it felt like he was pushing me, it's because he wants to help me get it out so I don't have to be stuck with it anymore.

I feel horrible. Tired. Scared. Gross. I need to get into now and it's hard hard hard. I wish things were different. I wish that SO SO much.