I am paranoid about getting pregnant. I'm on so many meds and they final got a combo that keeps me feeling above average but not manic and to think that I would have to quit my meds to not hurt a developing fetus scares the **** out of me.

If you are on meds, try to think about it that way. At least you didn't hurt anything by being on them. Your first priority is your mental health. There will be time in the future to have another baby if you still want one. Time to taper off your meds if any episodes you are in go into remission. That way you can have a clean slate and no worries about hurting a future baby.

I know it may not help you feel better because of your disappointment, but there is that one upside. I hope you have a good day and can stop hating yourself. You're not to blame. Treat yourself to something nice. A bubble bath, some chocolate, a cup of tea. Whatever you need to indulge yourself. You're a good person and your future is not yet written.