Hello and welcome to Psych Central!
Well, I am not in a long distance relationship any more, but I was in one with my boyfriend for about 4 years. We did Washington, DC to the Midwest, then Massachusetts to Germany (he studied abroad), and then Massachusetts to the Midwest, and then only a three hour difference while both living in Massachusetts. Now, we're living together in the Midwest.

I also have depression and an anxiety disorder, and probably a couple other things going on, but I'm not exactly sure what. My boyfriend has never been to a therapist or been diagnosed as anything, and for the most part is healthy and happy. There have definitely been times where he's been depressed but not clinically, and of course, everyone gets stressed!

I've never had to deal with him pulling away for extended amounts of time or me doing that to him. My big problem, which I shamefully acknowledge and fully regret, was I could never let go of issues that happened to us in the past, would pick huge fights, and tell him I wanted to break up pretty regularly. It was completely ridiculous because as soon as I stopped fighting with him, I regretted everything I said and done and walked around on eggshells trying to apologize for a few days. I spent a lot of time in therapy working on this, and since I moved, I know I need to find a new therapist to continue working on these issues.

Enough about me, though. How much time have you been able to spend wit him in person? Are you guys able to talk on webcam? When you get married, are you planning on living in the US or in Germany? Do you have an end date for the distance?

I would suggest trying to tell him that when you don't get to talk to him for an extended period of time, you really worry about him, and that you would appreciate it if he would just let you know that he is okay. He might be thinking that by not telling you when he is depressed, he is saving you from any pain or worry, but that really isn't the case. If you try to explain that to him, while also explaining that regardless of how he is feeling about himself, you will always love him and care for him, he might try to talk to you more while he's depressed for your sake, at the very least. Make sure he knows that you're not going to leave him, since that seems to be a huge fear for him (it was one of mine, as well). Perhaps send him cards and notes, maybe a little care package or something with things that cheer him up.

If you guys are planning on living together here, maybe he won't feel quite so much stigma as he does in Germany. At the very least, he would have a lot more anonymity here simply because he doesn't know anyone, and if he really wanted, he could simply tell people he needed a therapist to help him adjust to the move.

Until you can be with him more, I would just keep trying to be supportive and loving, and even when he's not talking to you, keeping sending emails or letters or something every so often, so he knows it's safe for him to come back to you and that you are not judging him or loving him any less. On your part, I would try to keep a journal to vent my thoughts in. Also, remember to take care of yourself. Make sure you're eating healthy and getting exercise (these things really do help!), and spending time with your friends. Don't stop having a life of your own because you're on hold waiting for him to come back. Do not beat yourself up. This is really his problem, inside his head, not any reflection on you or what he feels about you.

Lastly, try to remember that when you two do start living together, all of these problems are not going to magically disappear. I kind of let myself think my problems would, but they didn't. I still have a lot of work to do on myself, a lot of fear my boyfriend will still leave me, and I still pick those stupid fights (though the break up threats have gone down a lot). Some days are really hard, and I wish I could just change myself, but overall, I'm really glad we're together and very thankful he hasn't left me. Yes, it was worth it.

You guys have been doing this for two years and you're engaged. You two are committed to each other, and I truly believe you two can do this.

Good luck! I'm sorry this got so long, but I hope I was able to help you a little.

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Ro