I'm so sorry for your loss. I think it is perfectly normal for you to be experiencing grief after three years, especially with a suicide. I lost my grandma to suicide almost three years ago. I feel some of the same feelings as you, especially anger at her for not reaching out to us when she could have. Suicide is a very hard thing to grieve. If you have not done so I would reccommend finding a therapist that you feel comfortable talking to about this. I hope that someday your grief is transformed into peace. <3