thank you everyone for your stories and support and advice. Just 'knowing' that i can talk about it helps. My surviving sister will not speak about, does not tell people our sister took her life like it's a shameful act. She did not attend the cremation / ceremony either so cannot relate to how i felt watching coffin get lowered. Her husband is the one that sexually abused me my whole life and i know what it feels like when in laws take over. They hated her and disowned their son when he married her but they came to funeral, helped organise things, sat in front rows while my mom, my daughter and i sat at back. The MIL yawned during ceremony! I have a black moon tattooed on my shoulder as we played nianel - who painted the moon black throughout ceremony. I have sister, remembrance and peace underneath it. I so hope she,s at peace now. Thanks again for sharing your experiences. Hugs