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It was inconceivable to me for a long, long time that I would ever look forward to therapy. Having been kicked out of therapy once, and having not had great experiences other times, I didn't have great hopes when I returned a year ago. My plan was to stick with it long enough to learn the DBT skills and then bolt. Only, I haven't bolted yet. And neither has my therapist. It's mind-boggling. It really is. I can't figure it out. I constantly make him tell me that he's not tired of me yet. I feel like a dreadful client, yet he always seems happy to see me. And I'm increasingly happy to see him. He does things that I never expected him to do, gets excited about things in my life that I'm not even that excited about.
I don't want that stuff to end, but the longer we work together, it feels like the closer we come to a day when it will. Maybe he will get tired of me or decide I'm not worth working with. He works in two geographically different places, maybe he'll decide he wants to stay at the other office and not come back to the one I go to. Maybe in all that travel, he'll be in an accident. Maybe something will happen to his family that makes him want to quit. I don't know about these feelings. I don't know if I wish I didn't have them or if I just wish they didn't make me feel like crying. I know this is where I'm supposed to be using radical acceptance and sucking it up and dealing with them. There's nothing I can do to keep him or his family safe all the time, there's nothing I can do to make him decide to stay in my town. I don't even know if there's anything I can do that will make him want to continue working with me.
He may be the only person in the world that doesn't think I'm worth giving up on. I don't want him to disappear. But I don't know if I can handle anxiety. It makes me want to quit therapy, which even I can see would just make him disappear and not accomplish anything.
I don't know if this makes any sense outside my head. The 'I really like therapy' and the "I really dislike the stuff that goes along with therapy' contradictions are killing me.
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