Hoooo, yeah, roxiesmom333! I can very much relate. Misdiagnosed (early 40's) with MDD by GP (yup, in midst of huge depressive phase with multiple panic attacks each day. Didn't know what was going on and thought it was some kind of heart and breathing condition, not to mention just staring and crying and wanting to off myself). Was prescribed ADs. A few different ones and at various doses. Made it worse, oh yes. Went on for 2-3 years. Kept blaming myself that they weren't working. WTH is wrong with me? Why isn't this working?! Didn't know what exactly was going on, just that things were worse (will spare you the details(!) ). This was before I knew about BP at all and didn't get that it was speeding up my cycling and making them even more extreme until learing about BP. Finally decided that something was very wrong and decided to learn more. The part that pissed me off the most about being misdiagnosed as MDD was that she only said 3 words (3 words!!!) to screen for BP. "So, no highs?". I was a total mess at the time and had NO IDEA what she was talking about.... drugs??... that I'll be happy tomorrow?? It didn't even occur to me to clarify as I was trying (and not succeeding) to keep it together long enough to just get the hell out of there.

So back to the revelation. In reading, I came upon BP II. HOLY COW, THIS IS AN EXACT DESCRIPTION OF MY LIFE!!! No doubt about it. I cried. So powerful. It was like someone had seen my whole life and almost into my very soul. (Crying now, remembering it.) So, ramped down the ADs (yeah, w/o supervision, but at this point I realized just how clueless my GP was in this area, and she was already trying to push something else at me. Enough!). At the beginning, she had given a reference for a Pdoc, which I'd ignored. At this point though, I knew it was time to consult a proper specialist. Went in well prepared, having written down all the stuff I could think of over the years *and* a mood chart (kept up ever since). Totally classic case, going full swing at 20 years old. Hehe, only downside was that at the time I was in a big hypomanic phase, bouncing on the couch and didn't want to take meds(!) Yup, invincible! She suggested some supplement stuff (no effect whatsoever, btw), and said (knowingly), "call me when you change your mind". Sure enough, awhile later, started crashing fast and hard and was desperately scrambling to stop it. I'd spent most of the previous 2-3 years in hell and didn't fancy a return ticket!

Yes, the regrets, the "what ifs". So much pain, so many years, just shoved down, ignored and denied. So very many years of beating myself up about not being able to just "get it together" like other people and control myself. Buck up! Control yourself! That's what everyone said, and I blamed myself -- hard -- for not being at all able to do it. The debilitating depressions, the periods of flippin' crazy ideas, huge productivity with its evil cousin, irritability and lightning rage. I was hard to live with, that's for sure!

On meds now, and what a difference! Perfect, totally even person? No. But a damn lot closer than before(!)

(Hehe, because it was just today, have to share... I used to go on Ebay and go... well, a bit nuts (27 hand fans, anyone?). Just this morning, my ex stopped by to drop off some stuff I'd left behind. Caught a glance of this absolutely hideous dress I'd bought in such a mode. The absolute antithesis of my style and palette. That dress, all by itself, is worth a thousand words...and the pile? A novel.)

Welcome to the forums! It's a great place!