Oh you guys

this afternoon my boys had music lessons all over town, and while my oldest was at a lesson, i took my two youngest to a playground to burn off some of their crazy boy energy. i was sitting there and i realized i felt OKAY. like, really, pretty okay.

it felt like things were just a tiny bit lighter. like maybe, really, talking about it AND doing the positive stuff i have planned, together, is how to get through october. i'm doing SO much "positive" stuff on top of all of the other stuff going on in my life and its GOOD but it also gives me a little bit of the feeling that i'm just finding a new way to run away.

maybe what i'm supposed to to is not run. maybe i'm supposed to pause. maybe i'm supposed to talk and feel and remember and let t help me through it. maybe THAT is what is supposed to happen.

this is the first october i've talked. 3 octobers ago i called and scheduled my first therapy appt. 2 octobers ago t wanted me to go into the psych hospital. last october, i was so physically sick all month with things the drs couldn't figure out. this october i am doing a bunch of positive stuff and i guess i have to talk. i get it now. i have to talk. ugh.

anyhow, the "i'm okay" feeling has faded. i feel upset and angry. i feel like i want to rip off my skin. i feel like i'm dirty and horrible and fat and ugly and like all of my hair is going to fall out and like all the way down in my very center, in my very soul, i'm disgusting and gross and ugly. i want to get away from me and i can't.

t told me to be gentle with me. i don't know how.

my son has a baseball game tonight, so i will be able to go and just SIT for two hours and be outside under the stars and watch him pitch and just be. being outside where the trees and sky are makes me feel better. maybe then i can breathe.

i have to get through this. i have to. i don't want to feel how i feel. i want to feel better.