I feel a little better tonight. I don't have the urge to SI anymore, at least. I cried this morning, which isn't something I do often. I really needed that release.

I also met w/my case manager today and found out I'm approved for 6 more mos of therapy. I have mixed feelings about that. I mean, it's good, but I want to acknowledge the part of me that says that's not enough. I want to be approved for T forever. I don't want to know I'm going to lose T. I want to never have to say goodbye. Part of me feels that way, and it's ok. It's okay to feel that way. It's understandable. It's okay and it doesn't mean I'm bad or clingy or too needy. It means I have deep needs and deep wounds and of course I don't want to say goodbye.

And the dialectic is, while all of that is true, I have to know and accept that I will not have T forever. I won't. Part of me is learning to be okay with that, too, and I want to acknowledge that part of me as well.

It's balancing acceptance with change. It's tricky and it's painful and it's exhausting.

It just feels like forever since I've seen T. Is she still out there? Will she be in her office on Monday morning when I get there? Or did she disappear off the earth just like she's disappeared from my life for the past week? I miss her. So much.