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lynn09 · Sep 16, 2010, 11:03 PM

Hi (((horsecab)))! I can really relate to your situation. I am 60 and have had my share of failed relationships over the decades. I grew up in an abusive home - unfortunately, those of us with abusive backgrounds tend to be attracted to abusers throughout our lives because those people and relationships are familiar, and we did not develop healthy boundaries in our formative years. This means that we don't recognize the signs of abuse early on in relationships - no red flags or alarms to warn us that we're with the wrong person until the abuse is so obvious as to be undeniable and the damage is already done. Although I have been married 3 times and had other relationships, I have lived alone most of my life and haven't dated anyone in the past 11 years; but, I'm perfectly okay with it. I have found that it is better to be alone than to be with the wrong person, especially an abuser - it just takes too much out of you and, as you said, it's too damaging to your self-esteem and just takes too long to recover.

You said, "but I want someone physically in my life, or at least some online companionship...Someone who wants to spend time with me more than anyone else." There's nothing wrong with wanting such companionship, but I have found that it is necessary to develop that kind of a relationship with yourself first before you can hope to have one with someone else; otherwise, you are going to continue to seek validation of your self-worth from others which is like chum in the water for hungry predator abusers.

It sounds to me like you are more focused on whether or not you fit into the lives of others, instead of focusing on whether or not they fit into yours. When you give others the power to judge and assign value to you rather than valuing yourself, you are actually inviting them to control how you feel about yourself - giving them control over your self-esteem. You must define and set healthy boundaries to protect yourself, and develop realistic criteria for determining who is allowed to venture beyond it; otherwise, it's like leaving the front door wide open and allowing anyone passing by to walk into your "house."

The fact that you subconsciously self-sabotage your relationships may be a good thing - perhaps it is a defense mechanism you have developed on a subconscious level to get you out of abusive relationships before irreparable damage is done. As for your difficulty with trusting others - we can never know another person well enough to trust them implicitly, so the important thing is to learn to trust yourself - become the type of person you can respect and trust to act in your best interest regardless of the behavior of others or the circumstance. No one else can give you self-esteem because it is not theirs to give; once you have developed your own self-esteem, no one can take it away from you because you won't allow them to take what is not theirs.

Whatever way you want others to treat you, treat yourself that way first - treat yourself with respect, consideration, patience, compassion, and love so that you don't have to beg these things from others and you can be better prepared to participate in an equal relationship with someone who treats themselves and you the same way. Don't give up on what you really want, just start with yourself first. lynn09