Sunny, wow you sure do have lots you are dealing with for sure. I also am going to comment on what you said about prayer. I am a big fan of prayer ( non religious for me). And I am going to share with you my reasoning. Maybe it will help. What I think is that loving spirit only knows us as the light we are. Yes we are going through challenges. But loving spirit only knows love. and never " shame for being weak" as you judge yourself to be. ( I do not believe your self judgement by the way)

I believe that all human beings have " free will" and that loving spirit must honor the law of free will and not intervine unless asked. And thats where prayer comes in. I believe its a request for them to act on my behalf rather than to stand back and honor free will. It doesnt matter to loving spirit that you have not prayed or asked for help in many years or decades. I believe they are delighted when we do. I believe that loving spirit knows only love and compassion for us. And very much wants to help.

So there is my reasoning why I believe that prayer aka asking for help is a wonderful thing to do. also I believe that loving spirit doesnt live in linear time. They dont think in terms that its been a decade since you said "hey can you help with ......" They dont care if you pray regularly or not.

By the way, I am not attached to outcomes. Because they know more about my life than I do. I am sure they hear. And whatever the outcome will be in my best interest, as long as I ask and know that I deserve to receive. Well this is not the best area to be writing at length about spiritual issues, but there ya have it. Perhaps my answer will be removed. But if it is, I hope only after you have read it.... if what I wrote would be of any assistance to you in some small way.

I have no religion. AND I wish I asked/ prayed more than I do. Believe me, I have lots of work to do on that issue also. May you find some peace soon. I am sure you deserve it