>>> t told me to be gentle with me. i don't know how.

well....... One of the ways is to come here to PC and offer your care and wisdom and suport to other people who are hurting, Tree. That's what you are inclined to do; but listen carefully, someone who is ugly and disgusting would never even think of doing that. Could you maybe just sit with that thought for a minute?

I see you with light shining from within. Sweet friend, devoted mother, loving wife, and yes daughter, and in spite of all internal obstacles, doing your duty day after day. It's virtue that lives in all that, nothing gross or ugly. Tree you are a beautiful soul.