He was my friend, I was his friend, his wife knew about it. Only I wanted it to be much more than that.

Yesterday he asked if we could see eachother just once more, because he thought it's just not right to just get this over with online on a messenger. I didn't think it was a good idea but he said it'd be fair to give him this one thing, because this was so sudden. So I agreed. But I didn't think I could handle seeing him like this and being sober, so I tried having a couple of drinks before he got here. And when that didn't seem to do the trick, I did a stupid thing and mixed some liquid tramadol in with the alcohol. That did make me totally numb, so in that sense mission completed. But when he came here, he just wanted to hold my hand and hug me, and he cried so much.. I felt like the most terrible person in the world for not being able to show any emotions. Sigh, I can't even put what goes on in my mind to words.. I'm a total jerk, worse than garbage for causing him that much pain. I can't help but thinking of doing something to myself.. but I know I won't, that would only make it worse

I WISH someday I can just be his friend, but not yet.. I can't help but being hurt for knowing that everytime he's with me, and even after yesterday, he is just gonna go home to hug his wife and I'll be alone. Eventhough he made it very clear earlier, that he would never even want to try sharing his life with anyone other than his wife, I STILL kept hoping even yesterday that he would just magically change his mind.