I had a really super strange night this week. It was the night after I had convinced myself to go to sleep without giving in to my SI urges. I don't know what exactly happened, but I know that I woke up at around 4am and felt as though my actions weren't my own: everything I was doing was being dictated by something else inside my head. I was out of control. It wasn't causing me so much mental anguish as it was kind of making me feel physically ill. My hand would twitch and my fingers curled even though I didn't want them too, or I wasn't making them. I would roll over in bed without thinking about it. It felt like I had stepped outside of myself and left someone else in charge of my body. But it was kind of more than that... Everything just felt so greasy and disgusting, and I was more and more aware of my sheets and how gross they were (even though I just washed them a week or two ago) and I was absolutely disgusted and I felt like I was sleeping in a pile of garbage. I finally lulled myself back to sleep when I could quell my mind enough. When I woke up again it was 7:30 and I was in control of myself again, but very emotionally and mentally drained. I was really, really down the whole day, and completely disconnected from all of my friends, like there was some kind of invisible wall between me and the people I love and love to be around at school. Really, really weird.
That evening I was washing my sheets (because I wanted to try to avoid a repeat of the night before) and I lost it. I took the key to the laundry room and scraped it across my inner forearm near the elbow three or four times. I didn't draw blood or break the skin but I did burst some blood vessels and I have a series of tiny blood blisters.
I don't want to make excuses or make connections that aren't necessarily there, but I have to admit that after my episode I slept very soundly and I woke up the next morning feeling recharged and reconnected, mind with body. Maybe it's the whole "feeling real" thing; I need to cause myself pain to know that I am real and I exist and I am here and present and one.
This period of transition doesn't seem to be working in my favor at this moment; these last few weeks I've felt so lost and confused about myself. I guess I go through a cycle, because some days I love who I am right now, because I know I'm a good person and I have so many people that love and care about me. I feel so secure, but those moments are almost invariably replaced every couple days/weeks with feelings of anguish, depression, insecurity, and disconnectedness. I wish I could find a happy medium, or at least be able to deal with the down-periods better and manage the up-periods and use that positivity more in small doses, rather than expending it all and once (that tends to send me into down-periods.)
I'm getting closer and closer to wanting to talk to someone about these things; it's a very slow process for me, but I really don't think I deserve to live in this headspace anymore. It's not fair.
Thanks for reading, sorry for being so disjointed; that's just what's going on right now.