Oh, I am so proud of you... you identified that perhaps your problem is behavior related rather than med related. So many of us, even me of yesteryear, just wanted that magical set of pills to make me okay. Or abstinence from a set of pills. Or the right book. Or the right car. Or the next city. Or the next boyfriend. Or.... It is difficult to live in the solution rather than wallow in the problem and that you are seeking a solution rather than just meds is what gives me great hopes that you will enjoy a full and fulfilling recovery. You are right where you are supposed to be and so far ahead of a lot of our peers. I wont lie to you, it is difficult to do the hard, right thing but you will know in your gut what that right thing is. I have a number of thoughts for you
1) Support groups - I don't know where you are in WA but there are NAMI and DBSA support groups all over the country. When I am traveling and am in need of support and cannot find a NAMI or DBSA meeting, I will even go to an Alanon meeting. I find I have a lot in common with this group as far as their range of feelings and codependency (sounds like you can relate too based on what you said about clinging to your partner)
2) Church - I go to a very liberal church that offers support groups and classes of all kinds. I enjoy the music and find the preachers and the congregation to be non-judgmental and supportive. In fact, the way I found my church was that they host my DBSA meeting. Even if your background is fundamentalist as is mine, I find it easier opening up about my illness with people at a more liberal church.
3) Volunteer experiences - I have enjoyed teaching illiterate adults at the library. It is just a few hours per week and I really bond with my students. Another thing I did was volunteer at the hospital delivering flowers to patient rooms.
4) Take a class - (in anything) just to practice getting out and being around people. I started off with a ceramics course just painting figurines and napkin rings. The ladies would chit chat as they were painting the ceramics. You don't have to start off with something like organic chemistry or Conversational Farsi for the Middle Eastern Traveler. Remember, this is just to learn to have fun and be around people again, comfortably.
5) Find a cause that interests you and get active. Perhaps you love animals? Maybe you can help with adoptions at the ASPCA or coordinate with the local TV news to introduce a pet for adoption each week. Maybe you like art and there is a local museum? You can educate people by working as a docent (they train you) and you get to meet really neat people? I loved delivering meals on wheels one day per week. It didn't cost me much in gas but my seniors always looked forward to my visit.
6) Therapy is very important but there are many different types of therapy to choose from. Do some research on this website and ask around here in the forums what has worked for others. There was a psychologist named Albert Ellis that came up with a type of cognitive behavioral therapy called Rational Emotive Behavioral Therapy. Once I learned the tools, I learned a whole new way of thinking which effected my emotions which in turn effected the way I chose to behave - leading to a positive outcome rather than allowing my behavior to be emotionally driven and irrational often resulting in chaos and impending doom.
7) One word... Facebook
8) Smile and say hello, until it becomes a habit... fake it til you make it. Be a friend to have a friend.
9) Keep coming back and keep posting... although you can neither see or hear us, that does not negate that we are all bonded by our common illness and will go to great lengths to help one another.
10) Choose a couple of people from the forms to message privately and really let them in. Get honest. Let down the facade. Let them get to know you. Let them criticize you in the name of love. Let them cyber hug you.
Keep in contact, regularly. We don't know "where you are" unless you are willing to love yourself enough to trust a couple of us enough to "tell on your disease". Once you tell on your disease, that takes away some of its power and the hold it has over you but until you build those relationships, know one will know you well enough to call you out and say, hey, I think there's trouble in Kansas, Dorothy.... whats up?
I hope I provided some ideas with some places to start. Keep coming back and keep posting. You will be in my prayers. Stick with the Lamictal, you are not at the effective dosage yet and they can always piggyback it with another mood stabilizer too. Its all going to be okay.
hugs,
ptk
