I have been hiding behind a facade all my life.

"How are you, Colleen?"
I am friggin' screaming inside if you want the God's honest truth and I have no idea why no one can hear me... why can't you, even you?
"I'm Great," I reply, "And you?"
I am contemplating the pills I have at home and where I can hide where no one will find me, so the pain would finally end.
"Well, all is good with the family. Sure am looking forward to skiing season. I have to go now. Good to see ya! Have a nice day."
Is that a command or a request? Either way, I don't know how. Have I ever had a nice day? Why can't you hear me screaming? I beg, as they walk away. Come back. Please don't leave. I will be all alone. Again. I won't make it. I can't take it. Again.
I see the tail lights fade into the distance and my hope fades with it. I put my plan into effect. I go home and collect the vile vials, stop at the little store on the corner with the Indian proprietor who has always been so nice to me. He and his wife are Christian. I place my carton of chocolate milk on the counter and he rings the total into the register. I hand him a five and refuse the change. He looks at me quizzically and I tell him,
"For your child." He then smiles and offers me our usual parting comments.
"God be with you." I have no use for money anymore. That was the last cash I had with me. The rest of it is in the drawer with my jewelry to be shared between my daughters. I have already arranged to have my body donated to the medical school.
God. Where the hell has he been all my life? I have been hearing all about this blessed trinity crap and he touches everyone but me. The forsaken. The exiled. The damned. I am going to hell and I don't care anymore. My heavenly Father is no different than my earthly father. Neither ever wanted me. Neither ever loved me. Neither cared. Neither was there. Alone.
"And also with you." I glance behind me as I push the door open, hearing the bell attached to the handle jingling softly. He watches me go, with wise eyes. I wonder if he knows. I wonder if he hears my silent screams. I pause briefly but met by his silence, I continue on my way. It is done. The last human I will ever meet. His words echo in my head... "and also with you...." I didn't get it. I never did. I just knew the script.
I parked behind the seedy hotel, next to the satellite dish, in the shade of the young palms. No one would come here. I would be alone. This time, I would succeed. This time, my screams would be silenced. This time, the pain would end.
I kept swallowing, pill after pill, handful after handful, vial after vial... eight vials in all. Opiates, anti-psychotics, anti-depressants, benzodiazepines, muscle relaxers, NSAIDs, mood stabilizers, amphetamines. I looked at the vile vials. I had them filled that morning, they were empty as was my carton of milk. I became worried that it wouldn't suffice, that it wasn't enough. I did the math.
450 pills in all. I would not survive my cocktail for sure. Not this time. I did everything right. No one knew to find me, no one knew I was gone. No one knew I was on my way. No one knew I was going. Tears streamed down my face as I wrote short notes of apology to my daughters and then reclined my seat preparing for my eternal sleep.

I opened my eyes and saw white popcorned tiles and then a man and a woman came into view. My mouth and throat was dry as sand. I reached for my face but couldn't move my arms. I tried to speak but there was something lodged in my throat, I began to choke. The man told me to blow out and I could see the disgust in his face as he pulled the endotracheal tube from me. I was alive. How was this possible? I screwed up... again. I ran the calculations and the cocktail through my mind. No! It wasn't possible! I was supposed to be dead! It was supposed to be over! Why??? I'd even been rejected by the Devil himself. Eternal evil didn't even want me. I had already lost everything including my mind. I was so lost and knew of no way home, I had no home. I had no family. I had no love. I had no God.

"Ten days," he said. "We were just preparing to send you to a nursing home. We didn't think you were going to wake up. You wouldn't respond to pain. You are young, you are beautiful. Why?" I went to speak but my voice failed me the first time out, my throat was raw. I tried again.
"I was responding to the pain. Didn't you hear my screams?"
"No." The disgust was gone and pity took its place, it hurt even more.
"That's okay," I replied. "No one ever has." He left silently.
"How did I get here?" The woman replied curtly, all business as she was securing the ventilator.
"Ambulance"
"Aren't you a smart ***? I mean, how did you find me. I hid. I'm supposed to be dead."
"You were. The cable went out at the hotel and the owner went to check on the satellite. He found you and did CPR until the ambulance got there and took over. You owe him a blood debt. You owe him your life."

Ten years have passed but its only been five months since I last stared at popcorn ceilings being extubated once again. I failed again. I continue to hide, intellectualism my armor protecting me from touching another, from being touched. I reach out yet all I feel is the metal that encapsulates me. I am done attempting suicide. In the thirty years of trying, I have never succeeded so as I lay staring at those popcorn tiles, I surrendered. I decided to do everything just the opposite. I failed at everything I tried so I would do everything backward. I would attempt to live instead of attempt to die. I would attempt to know peace instead of pain. I would find my way home. Yet, I continue to hide, from you. I wear my armor and deliver you facts instead of letting you in. I know FEAR. False Evidence Appearing Real. Every time I have dared to let someone in, I have lived to rue the day. Why will it be any different even though you are faceless, voiceless. Yet, I know if I don't break through the brick walls, I have no hope of touching and being touched. God's children, the very one's he works through, just as he works through me today. I know him now. I want to know you. I am just so scared.

Thank you for patiently reading my missive, my memories, my plea,
Colleen