aaah Coleen,,, been there, done that. the last time i made an attempt, i heard a little voice say: "change, or die". i knew, at that moment, i had a choice, that this time, i would not fail. and somehow i also knew that death would not save me from my pain, from the loss, from the shame, from all the things which chased me nite and day. i lived with the idea of suicide for a long long long time after that, but side by side with it, i was building a life. that was 19 yrs ago. today, i no longer think of dying as an escape, but only as the last thing i will do in this life. i do not flee, i face. i have endured the unendurable, i have outlasted eternity, and now there are times of peace, many of them. this is what i wish for you: Peace. I hope we get to meet in a chat room somewhere, sometime. don't be surprised if i don't remember you - the meds took so much from me, i'm still in recovery; but i'm still in recovery~ i am ,,, a companion on this earth, and perhaps beyond. Gus