Hey all. I'd love to hear your advice because I have nowhere left to go at this point.


I'm living with 2 emotionally abusive parents - one is manipulative, selfish, passive aggressive, silent, angry, secretive, controlling, a liar, plays a victim, always gets people to believe he's right. That's my dad. My mom is good, sometimes, but she has a lot of moments where she can't stand the sight of me, where she calls me horrible things and digs at my insecurities and character and tells me I'm aweful and do aweful things all the time and always tells me there's something wrong with me. But she can also be loving. If it was just my mom and I, it would be ok. But my dad CONTROLS her. He spends all day with her, works with her. He has positioned himself in the center of the house, and designed the house so it's all open space and he can hear everything that goes on everywhere and he can keep an eye on everything. If she talks to me, he interupts. If she hugs me, he watches over us and stares at her so she is nervous and pulls away. He believes I am a piece of garbare, he says I've ruined his life. They truly believe that the things I say and do are not normal and not ok. Just a note, there's absolutely nothing not normal about me (in the sense of what I do or say). If my dad wants to ignore, I leave him alone, and then he starts manipulating my mom to believe I'm treating him badly by not speaking to him. If I speak to him, he doesn't respond, ignores what I say and questions I ask, and then later controls my mom into believing I was bullying him and being rude. These are all not that bad, I'm used to him. But the thing is - I NEED a mom. I HAVE a good mom. And I want nothing more than for her to ask me and genuinely want to know anything that's going on in my life or WANT TO BE INVOLVED. She doens't want to be invovled, but sometimes she walks to hear about it, but my dad changes her perception of me and always creates massive problems. If a few days goes by with no explosion from him or my mom, he's feeding fuel to the fire slowly building small problems each day to my mom until finally she believes I'm that bad.
And I'm 22.
I used to have my brother, but now he too believes my dad is right. He says he regrets taking my side for so long and has stopped talking to me for years now. He has always had very few emotional needs and no attachment or needs from my parents ever. Everyone always said he was 30 when he was 5. Now, he truly believes I am not a good person (disgusting) and am getting what I deserve.
I need to move out, but the problem is I have my own major issues - mainly stemming from being raised in this environment of not getting any of my needs met - i believe my father is the only child my mom ever had (we were raised by housekeepers). The problem is - she is all I have. And I want that love that i've felt from her, the only love i've ever gotten, SO bad. But my dad, and my mom after my dad spends enough time convincing her i'm a problem in this hidden agenda way that makes it looks like he's the good guy and i'm bad, i don't even know how he does it. But he knows EXACTLY what to say to get her to agree with him and apologize to him and then come back to me and tell me i've done something wrong. My mom is all I have, I have no one else, and don't love myself at all. I work full-time now in a great job - it has helped, but these issues are too great to let that be enough. I've stopped taking care of myself, which is probably the worst issue of them all. I can't get myself to care enough anymore. I dress horribly now, I've gained more than 30 pounds and am not looking at stopping anytime soon. I shut myself down to any potentially negative situation and have even stopped reacting in social situations so I have a glazed look. I don't even speak that much anymore, mainly just laugh at work and with people, without contributing anything. I've isolated myself from people for years and don't find any comfort or happiness in social situations. I haven't been interested in any romantic or sexual relationship in years. I feel as if I would like to die, but don't know how to on the outside, so I've killed myself in every other way besides my heartbeat. I've deadened myself, and don't really have motivation to change that.

You could ask why I am posting this then. It's because my parents have shifting their threats, screams, "whats wrong with me" energy to kicking me out. They send me an eviction notice last week, my mom told me she's been meeting with a lawyer, and my dad plans to change the locks within the next 3 weeks. But I have nowhere to go, I don't want to leave, or do anything, or start draining my bank account for a life I don't want.

I hope you all don't simply recommend to me medication, because the truth is medication won't fix these emotional problems. And I've tried therapy in the past, and these problems are too baked into me at this point to be extracted by a therapist. I truly am at a dead end and am ready to be done. There's nothing I want, I can't be fixed.


I am truly looking forward to hearing what you all have to say. Thank you for reading.