I've had three sessions now since T returned from his long vacation. But I don't think I've connected with him yet in a positive way. While he was gone my whole world changed....H has been laid off, and is now home, making home life very different...new boss at work, etc. So many things and he wasn't around while I had to transition. So naturally I think I was angry underneath that he wasn't around to help. Coming back to session has been really hard. I get weird (lol) and feel strange. When I am on high alert, I think I become hypersensitive. So T and I have this repeating pattern. It has happened several times and often precipitates a rupture. I sink into old patterns of dissociative behavior and T gets insulted and asks why I can't "stay in the relationship and work things through." I tell him it's because something in the exchange is a repeat of old stuff and so I become afraid and naturally withdraw. He says that in that exchange, that he begins to feel like the abuser--that there is something in the way I react that makes him feel that way. I tell him that when he asks questions in rapid succession that it feels like I am being interrogated and don't have time to process. When I am withdrawing and trying really hard to stay present, it takes me a long time to process. Today I left him two messages after session and in the second I told him that I was sorry if I made him feel bad, that I was somewhat in a knot and trying to work it through. Then I was talking to H and it hit me that the pattern is exactly how H and I exchange at times and T feels how I feel when H shuts down on me.

Ugh. I hate therapy. I'm so afraid we won't connect. I feel ugly and stupid right now and I want to cry and hide.

Oh yeah, he also said that I should stay in the relationship rather than reverting to old self states. I said that right at that moment I was thinking, my poor little girl is nothing but an old self state. Yuck, I feel yucky, stupid and dirty, and sad.