keep hope in your life, ptk. it was what saved me. i prayed for it and my prayer was answered. i hope the same for you. 
oh and i understand you're scared but many of us have experienced that despair and we are here for you as others were here for us.
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Do not let your fire go out, spark by irreplaceable spark, in the hopeless swamps of the approximate, the not-quite, the not-yet, the not-at-all. Do not let the hero in your soul perish, in lonely frustration for the life you deserved, but have never been able to reach. Check your road and the nature of your battle.
The world you desired can be won. It exists, it is real, it is possible, it is yours..~Ayn Rand
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