Here I go again with another essay... I am not capable of writing a short message....

I believe in the late 1800's patients described by our symptoms and later named Bipolar were named in a medical journal as "insane geniuses". This occurred many decades before the discovery of lithium salts as a mood stabilizer, hence, patients were subject to radical, untreated mood swings which are often exacerbated by external stimuli. As you can imagine, the insane asylums of those days did not lend themselves to serene, mental health. However, even in present time, the more bipolar people I meet and the many lengthy lists of famous successful people who have both lived and died with bipolar disorder, I really do understand that term "insane geniuses" as there seems to exist with our hypomania a source of inspiration that is rare indeed amongst the population without the hypomanic experience. Of course, those who are unmedicated, untreated, isolated and uneducated are doomed to similar misery suffered by the patients prior to the discovery of lithium treatment. Yet, now in this enlightened time when we have so many options and resources, we also have the opportunity to harness our moods and use them to our advantage. What form that takes is as dependent on the particular mood and our individual response to said mood. If I am having problems handling a mood state that is not life threatening, I try to change my response, attitude and activate an activities plan to utilize the mood most advantagousley. If I am hypomanic, Im going to take advantage of that inspirational, energizing momentum and when I suffer depression, I am going to allow my body to rest and recharge.
I love that I am not having a mediocre, average life. Although it is difficult to be the one that stands out in the crowd and to not belong amongst my peer group, I am really beginning to appreciate the genetic gift of the bipolar order. As long as I keep my recovery first and stick to my recovery plan, there is rarely disorder in my life. Why focus on the negative of this condition? I am bipolar and I grateful for each day, just as I am for this forum.
Despite the meds, I am not sure I feel normal nor do I aspire to feel normal. Why would I want to limit myself when I am capable of so much more than those that are limited by their mood state? Yes, we can fall deep into the pit of despair but we can also soar amongst the birds aloft. I suppose the next step that I had to take beyond acceptance was to learn self-discipline. Yuck!

Even if I plan to spend the day in bed, I get up in the morning, make my coffee and breakfast, brush my teeth, change from my night gown into lounging clothes, make my bed, eat my breakfast, do my dishes and then go and lounge on my tidy bed. Simple, I know, but it began for me with the baby steps. I kept adding just a few more requirements to benefit myself, how I am. I made a list of approved manic/hypomanic activities that are healthy and non-destructive in any way, shape, or form. I also have an approved depression list and suicidal behavior is not an approved activity, nor is self-medicating, nor is cutting, nor is skipping my meds, and I have to call three people and tell on my disease... that I am in the pit... etc.

Each day, I remind myself that if I walked 15 miles into the woods, I can't expect myself to get back out just by retreating one mile. This will take time. For me, I have to learn to do everything different because what I was doing before REALLY wasn't working. Its a new way of thinking, a new way of feeling and a new way of living and you know what - this is the greatest adventure of my life! I can't wait to see who Im going to become when I grow up!

Ill close with this. My daughter played a song on her car stereo for me not to long ago. It was by a band named Cold Play, the song was "Fix you". It was all about how she was going to fix all my problems, take away my pain and fix me. I must admit, I kind of took exception to it! "Danielle, I'm not broken. God made me this way for a reason and God doesn't make mistakes ergo, there is nothing to fix. I don't know what the reason is yet and all I am is an extraordinary mind trying to figure out how to live in an ordinary world. One of the hardest things to do is to be different from everyone else and still feel comfortable in your own skin. You are growing up but so am I, in my own way. Be patient with me as I am patient with you. At least I don't pitch teenager hissy fits like someone I know!"

That shut her up!
Unique, extraordinary and glad to be with by people…. Finally…..
Sincerely, Colleen