Quote:
Originally Posted by greylove
I keep re-reading your words. So many of them spoke to me......so many could have been written by me. I'm holding back. PC has become my home. These wonderful people are becoming my friends. But I'm holding back. I want to talk, I want to open up to people, to share my story, but at the same time, I'm compelled to hide it. I understand when you say you are scared......I am too. I'll always be here if you want to open up.......a PM away
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You're scared too? You're holding back? You want to tell a story? You tell me you are always here, that you are but a PM away... (what is a PM?) Well... I shook with fear, typed horribly as a result and couldn't see my screen because I alternated between silent tears streaming down my face and outright sobbing. Its part of the healing process. I am grieving. I am isolated. I am afraid. Time to ante up, my friend.
I sat down at the table with my chips and Im all in. This is a life and death matter to me. Protecting your anonymity is of the utmost importance to me but I willingly sacrificing my own as I have no shame. I didn't do anything wrong. This is a genetic condition and I am doing the best I can. In revealing myself to others, I can allow others to contact me at their will in hopes that I can touch the life of one other person. I want to demystify mental illness as much as I am able and advocate for those who won't or can't speak for themselves. Even in this forum, I detect a lot of hurt, shame and fear... that others may judge them for having a mental illness even though they have the home field advantage here.
Its hard to stand up and say, I am Colleen, I am Bipolar, I suffer from mental illness and I am not ashamed... and be honest when saying it. So, someone had to step up to the plate and I want to stay in recovery more than I want anything else in my life. For if I do not have recovery, I do not have sanity. If I do not have sanity, I will end up under the popcorn tiles again or on some med student's anatomy table. Can you imagine the horror and devastation that would put my mother and daughters through? I am going to love them enough until I am able to love myself to fight to recover, to fight to stay honest, to fight to be vulnerable, to fight for my life. Are you willing to join me in battle, privately?
If so, send me a message privately and we will start a conversation. I have to let others in. I don't know if I am ready or willing to do that on the forum level, I summoned up as much brass as I could to make the post that I did. We will get honest. We will share. We will grow. We will learn to trust. We will learn to be vulnerable. We will learn to be strong. And most importantly, we will recover. You are only as alone as you want to be.
hugs, Colleen