lynn - thanks and I was kinda the same way. My dad smoked pot, cigarettes, is an alcoholic and, I learned at around 16, has done (and still does) coke. My grandfathers were also both alcoholics so I have always made it a point to not drink if I ever get that "I need a beer" feeling. It also took me a long time to realize that not all people who smoke pot are my father (i.e. I always had problems with boyfriends because they would smoke and I would hate it). Now I'm kind of realizing that I have to separate vices like that from the individual which has been really hard and I don't want her to have to do that either.

I feel a little awkward straight up asking her because I know I'm the aunt and not the friend. I have talked to my sister and she said she would like to offer her a glass of wine or something to have her experience it at home with family but she knows if she ever did my brother-in-law would go nuts.

As for the leader position, she is a confident girl and is active in school things but when it comes to the group of friends, I'm not sure she is the leader. Just from stories, pictures etc... I can tell who the leader of her clique is. So who knows which way it would sway in that situation.