I am pissed as hell and I am going to let you know about it. Writing is my outlet when I am stressed and I have a GREAT deal of stress going on right now. My dually diagnosed ex-boyfriend of eight years is lying in the ICU, the ventilator breathing for him, as it has for me. He attempted suicide, as I have done myself so many times before. His family is out of town so they have asked me to step in, intercede and be the Elmer's to hold him together. After my last suicide attempt, only five months ago, I broke up with him as I realized that I wasn't going to get better if he was going to stay sick. It broke my heart to leave but it was him... or my life.

I went to the Condo, it was so trashed that I cried. Pills and beer cans everywhere, toilet tank busted in half, entire place flooded, refrigerator toppled over... it broke my heart. As bad as the wreckage to the property was, I know it is nothing compared to what is going on in his mind.

I can't eat. I can't sleep. I am waiting for the phone to ring. He woke up or he is dead. Despite my physical pain, I felt compelled to start cleaning the condo. I had to DO something. I feel powerless. I stayed there 15 hours just scrubbing even though I knew that my efforts were futile. I am going to have to get someone in there and probably rip out all the carpet and replace the lower drywall. But I just kept scrubbing. I scrubbed until I ached. I scrubbed until I hurt. I scrubbed until my back was screaming. I scrubbed until I was crying. I scrubbed until I was screaming.

So here I have sat for nearly 30 hours straight with ice packs. I have been writing. I have responded to posts. I have researched information. I have met new friends. I have opened up. I even got PERSONAL in my writing.
There are no support group meetings this weekend. I am isolated by my physical disability and I further injured myself with my ridiculous, irrational scrubbing. This is my only contact with the outside world right now and right now I am not safe alone. So I write. I am thoughtful in my responses and I want to share positive things that will be helpful to others rather than just sit here and whine. I don't want to indulge in self pity as it is counter productive.

I am still new here, I am still just dipping my toes in the water. I am scared to let anyone get too close although I made a huge step last night. But now I am pissed as hell! I responded to a post, "I am bipolar, too!" with three paragraphs and this is the reply that I got.