I have, for the most part, not really going into detail about things lately - just answering posts and stuff.......but I need to talk - I'm sorry.

Work-wise, things had been going pretty well. I have been talking to the District Manager and he wants me to finish getting certified so that I may have my own store. Says he "needs" me to be on his list.

I will admit that I am overly concerned with closing the store - meaning the cleanliness of it. I take a flashlight and look under every table and booth and have the employees clean up whatever I find.......I have also done this myself, on my hands and knees with them. This type of close is in the policy manual, so I am following procedure. I need to have my closes as close to perfect as possible. Yes, my standards are high, but not out of line. Supposedly, the DM likes my closes (or so he told me). Tonight my GM told me that he couldn't believe I was doing that, that the store was not a hospital and that the employees don't want to close with me and will start calling in sick so they don't have to work with me.

So I said to him, "I have to lower my standards just so they are happy?" I guess so.........I was very upset.

Home-wise is horrible. I'm trying so hard to keep him happy, watch out for Alex (he's been sick since last week), figure out how to put food in the house, and get him cigs.........and deal with all the verbal garbage he throws my way. I've been at work nights till 2am making sure things look good for the morning.

I have had many issues with my T lately - I had, in fact, cancelled my Wed. appt. with him because I am terrified that he will admit me to the hospital again........and I will lose my job. Tonight I was so upset and crying that I called him at about 11pm. He called me back and we talked......he is going to reinstate my appt. time. He says that I won't have to go if I can reassure him that I'm not going to do something - if I tell him that, I am lying........and I don't do that.

I am trying desperately to get thru these holidays - I'm not making enough to do xmas, bills, Alex's b-day, and support him.

I have an appt. with my back surgeon on the 8th. The injection didn't work, so the only real alternative is surgery again. What will that do to me in terms of work??????

The stress and depression are really getting to me. I sat in the office tonight after talking to my T and tried to harm myself. The stupid knife broke. That freaked me out so bad I went running to Walgreens to buy another one.

I'm either crying all the time, totally emotionless, or a nervous wreck. The edge is so close I can feel it. I need a second job, but how with my hours? [sigh]. There is just no winning these days. If I make it to the first of the year, it will really be a miracle.