Thanks Rhiannon, Neri and Savvy!

I really appreciate all the support. I don't know why it is so hard to detach from this guy but it has definitely been a struggle.

I knew that after I got my key back it was time to let go, but my brain did not want to agree. I wish I could say that since that day I have maintained my boundaries and not called him, but it seems the closer I get to letting go, the more messages and urges I got to call him every day. So, the past ten days has been difficult, to say the least. Every day I would tell myself, Don't call him. And every day I would fail. So frustrating.

Thankfully, my friends have been super supportive. So, everytime I called him, I told on myself to a friend. This helped alot! Confession is such a powerful tool. Secrecy, guilt, shame, craving...these are all strong emotions, and confessing it to a friend seems to deflate the balloon. Once I share how I feel with a friend, I wouldn't say it cures me, but it does help, and makes me accountable?

Anyway, I was getting pretty bad. Last week I was talking to him on a daily basis. Luckily, he was his old self, manipulative. Only this year, I was able to see it for what it was, plain old emotional blackmail. So, I just kept telling on myself every day for a week!
Embarassing but effective! Also, my friends started encouraging me to actively start dating again, or at least, start talking to guys, healthy guys, that is.

So, for two weeks, I made an effort to go to new meetings, meet friends for coffee, etc.
And guess what? I met a guy, a nice guy. Who seems healthy. I don't think anything will come of it, but it was just so nice to know that healthy is possible. And my brain seems to believe it, because the urge to call my ex has just disappeared. Poof, like that. Okay, it took about three days.

This new guy I met took me out for lunch, and it was nice. No boundary violations, no sense of urgency, I didn't feel pushed, or rushed. Just talk. Some flirting. I got the sense of being measured, and found to be acceptable, authentic, appealing.

It was weird. Does healthy feel weird at first? I think so. I was a little nervous. But, it made me think and compare it to my courtship last year with my ex. There was a feeling of dangerous excitement, urgency, to it. Maybe that was the hook?

I also feel a little embarrassed to admit that it took my brain getting the message that there was hope of someone new and healthy on the horizon for it to finally stop tugging me back towards the old dysfunction, triggers, and urges to call my ex. But, what is that saying, I am a sick person trying to get well, not a bad person trying to be good?

And last year when I did not date after we broke up, but was just celibate and depressed, I thought about dating other guys but none of them had that thing that makes you perk up when you meet someone who could be special to you.

It's funny. Mating, attraction, courtship. These are things I will never understand.
All I know is that I knew I was slipping backwards instead of going forwards, and I did not know how to stop the slide. And now just because I felt that spark, and got some hope for a positive future, that whole repeating loop in my brain, well, it just stopped.

So, I am hoping and praying for now that I am successfully through the withdrawal phase! I don't think of him first thing in the morning when I wake up and last thing at night before sleeping like I did every day for a month. I don't get urges every night at work to text or call him anymore. There is no sadness, or feelings of longing that were haunting me non-stop.

It is bizarre because when I was in the middle of my mourning period over him, it just felt like I will always feel this way. I felt like a grieving widow. I felt like I would always be alone, sad and depressed. And then as I started taking action, to exercise, go tanning, go to new meetings, meet friends for coffee, and finally start flirting again with nice guys, I would get moments, periods of happy feelings, and thoughts of hope. Followed by old triggers, cravings and urges when I was tired, lonely, weak.

Being sober and in recovery, I should know all this stuff, the process of withdrawal, etc. But knowing it in my head, and struggling through it again emotionally are two different things. I even stopped posting because I could feel myself "romancing the drink" as we call it, and I thought, here we go again.

And now I am posting ten days later, and I am healed! Amazing. So, I hope and pray and think that in a week, I will post and there will be nothing new to report. I look forward to archiving this thread and pronouncing myself fully recovered! Then I can just help the newcomer, wow, that would be nice!