Well, thank you for your reply. Obviously, you didn't read the post that I made last night about my last suicide attempt where I knew that I had to change everything if I wanted to live because 30 years of suicide attempts tells me that whatever I am doing, just is not working. How can I carry him when I cannot walk myself and he is not willing to try? Are you proposing that sacrifice myself and any chance that I have to get better and live successfully to continue to submit myself to drunken, vicious attacks; having my home destroyed; waking up to find drug dealers in my house with guns while my child is sleeping in the next room; continual trips to rehabs and psych units with him, only to have him repeat the same behavior the next day. He quit trying and I am too damned tired...

In April, I came home to find him in bed with a crack *****. It broke me. After eight years of Alanon and seven years of psychiatric meds and psych hospitalizations for myself, him losing several jobs only to finally decide to stay unemployed and drain his mother's bank accounts; I realized that it wasn't even safe to have safe to have another intimate encounter with the man that I loved and risk being exposed to a whole host of STDs. I left him that day and that night, once again, I overdosed. Once again, I was discovered where by all rights, I shouldn't have been found. This time was only four days on the ventilator. I had decided that I couldn't make it without him. When I came out of the coma, I had a moment of clarity that I could not make it WITH him.

Yet, here I am, five months later and the ghost of Christmas past has come to haunt me once again. Exactly how much more do you expect me to endure? Not only am I protecting my family, I am also protecting his mother by commanding her to stay in NY where she sought her own refuge from James with her daughter. If she comes back now, it will kill her. How much longer before I deserve parole? Murderers have served less time than me yet every time I manage to escape, I get dragged back in kicking and screaming, having to do the difficult, correct thing in accordance with my own value system... and it comes at too great of a cost. When do I get a chance to learn to care for myself?

What exactly would you suggest I do? I detected some judgment when you asked how I could leave him in that condition. I hope the question wasn't rhetorical and that I didn't waste my time explaining myself to someone who just wants to judge me regardless of what I do. I am at wits end here. I am honestly open to suggestions....