So T went abroad for 3 wks and we're now halfway through...
before she left she wished me a happy birthday in advance and advised me to "celebrate big".

I don't want to celebrate at all.

My family is asking what I want, what I'd like to do, etc. They mean well I know it!! but I feel myself pushing them away, panicking because they are coming in too close.

ACOA would say that I was The Lost Child in our family. When I was young, there were years when my parents had no clue as to a good Christmas gift for me; they'd sit me down with one of my older sibs and the big Sears toy catalog, and I would hear, show me what you like SAWE.
- a kid's toy paradise, and there wasn't anything I was drawn to.

Two years ago, looking back on that, I told T, it makes me sad to realize that they didn't know me at all. Today I see that I was keeping them all at arm's length, and am doing it still. I don't feel any animosity toward any of them at all; I just want them to forget about it, forget about me, don't bind me with your gifts; keep a safe distance, leave me alone. And I can't say those words to people who intend me good, it's ungrateful and twisted.