When I went back to school (for my bachelors) I was so full of hope and energy. I was driven. For the first time in my life I was doing what I wanted to do and I was filled with confidence. Right after I earned my degree I just petered out. It was like I ran out of steam in terms of doing the things that I enjoyed. I ran out of confidence and worked behind the counter in retail for about seven years. It's not that I put this type of position down at all. These positions do have their place in the work world. I just hated it. Often even the thought of going to work made me feel nauseous.
When I went back to school originally it was to study biology.
However (because of the program that I was in, which was quite internship-related, I graduated without several basic sciences: chemistry and physics). Sigh. Then a few years ago when I tried to go back again to take chemistry it was during a major depressive episode. So I had to withdraw from the course. Now I would like to go back. But I also now know how dense the subject is. I now know that there is a reason many call it the central science. Wow. Every part has a million parts. Yet I find interest in all of them...
I love the elements. For instance, did I know that oxygen turned into a stunning pale-blue liquid around -180 deg C? No. Or that mercury dripped from the walls of caves in Almaden, Spain - and formed pools in which nothing could sink due to the metal's density? It fills me with wonder.
But to be honest: Right now I don't exactly know where I am going.
I know I want to keep setting time aside to study. In order to (at least in part) know what I'm doing when I get back to class. I love art as well as science and have usually considered this to be a failure. (One should have a clear path. Things should be black or white, not both).
But I have been thinking a lot... Maybe these two loves can be joined in the area of art preservation, or artifact conservation? I do like the notion that humans have such a strong desire to care for the stuff of our past, to not see it crumble or fade under the natural hand of time. It's like we want to harness the laws of nature and rebel against her natural process. So we preserve things without oxygen, or piece together fibers to hide an item's damaged past. So maybe that's it. All I know is that there has to be more to me than asking someone, "can I help you?" or "would you like that gift wrapped?" I have done enough of it. I just need to replace "how can I help you?" with "how can I help me?"