Very nicely written and a perfect example of what I have been trying to express regarding how we need to be kind and gentle when we have a new kid in the sandbox, so to speak. It was difficult to read the negative comments or judgmental posts in this thread. Yet, if I am to be valid in my argument about being sensitive to newcomers, I too, must be sensitive.

Therefore, I tried to put my personal feelings aside and tried to understand, rather than being understood, and took the time to fully address the post that they took time to submit. Even though I feel I have no need to justify my decision to disengage from James, I really want EVERYONE who posts in this forum to know that they are welcome as is their feedback, whether I agree with it or not personally. Regardless of who the originator of a thread or the original intent of the thread, I must be pliable enough to understand that each of us comes here with their own perceptions that are colored by our own life experiences.

Case in point... This thread was never about James or the issues that I face regarding him. This was never about facing off with another member of this forum. This was about the frustrations that I feel in learning to communicate effectively in this forum. It is very difficult for me to completely be devoid of the "Intellectual, PTK; always eager to research, educate and encourage" and reveal that there REALLY IS a vulnerable, lonely Colleen here struggling. When I read the title of another thread that said, "I am bipolar, too," my perceptions colored by my intellectual, education oriented self took that as a statement regarding the need to accept our diagnosis as an integral step to treat the illness effectively. It reminded me of some passages that I had read in a book by Mondimore, I referenced his book before posting to the thread and worked really hard to compose a post regarding my own personal experience with acceptance, even including a humorous exchange between my daughter and I. (I thought I had done well to make it about me rather than a book report on Mondimore which would have been much easier for me to do) But I later learned that the thread had never been about acceptance as I perceived it to be. (Damn, I screwed up.... again!) Then I was confronted with issues regarding the intent of the thread 'belonging' to the originator, (Huh? How am I supposed to divine what someone's intention is, especially when I have no previous knowledge of the author) was informed that to submit a thread outside the scope of the thread was a matter of 'hijacking' a thread (wait, I am Hijacking something?? All I am trying to do is participate!! You already lost me way back there somewhere at the original intent!) When I was informed that I was wrong for posting to the thread based on the 'original intent/thread ownership' issue, I felt immediately humiliated lashed out in a moment of anger in response to the manner in which I was criticized and not the fact that I WAS criticized. Admittedly, my response was inappropriate and non-supportive. When it was pointed out that I wasn't being supportive, I shared that I didn't feel I was being supported either. I was again referred to the 'original intent/thread ownership', that the intent of the thread was not support (so what is it doing in the support forum and not 'fun and games' forum if it wasn't intended to be supportive) and told to start my own thread if I want support, so that is exactly what I did! Honestly!!! If you don't want me in your sandbox, I am going to take my toys and go home and play in my own sandbox!!!

C'mon, people! Please, just cut me a bit of slack. I wouldn't be here if I absolutely did not need to be and I am not here as a matter of social networking. I am here because I have got to learn how to open up to others. I am here because everything else that I have done hasn't worked. I am really strong in theory but I have A LOT of trouble applying that theory to my own life. It is much easier for me to care for you than to care for myself. It is much easier to give a hug than receive one. It is much easier for me to be a friend to others rather that have others be a friend to me. Save for this last month, I have never used forums before so these concepts such as "original intent of a thread belonging to the owner of the thread", "thread hijacking"... etc, are just more brick walls that I have to break through to get to the point where I need to be, where I want to be. But you can put up all the brick walls you want because I am just going to break through them, they are just meant to keep others out, and I am tired of being on the outside looking in. I want recovery more than I want anything in my life because if I don't have recovery, I don't have a life... this is not figurative speech. This is a matter of fact. If I don't make the necessary changes and participate in recovery, I will succeed at committing suicide eventually. A friend summed it up nicely when he said, change or die. If I went back and graded all of the posts that were submitted in this thread based on the concept of "original intent belonging to the thread owner," how do you think you did since my intent was "This was about the frustrations that I feel in learning to communicate effectively in this forum"? Were you able to divine my intent? Did you really think this was about James? Did you really think this was high noon at the OK corral? Did you think that I was seeking support in face of a crisis? Based on those rules, maybe you understand how frustrated I feel. For the most part everyone has been very patient with me fumbling about and falling flat on my face and for that, I thank you. Yet, now I feel intimidated to post on someone else's thread, more senior to me at least, in fear of breaking the rules unintentionally unless I know the owner of the thread. What is really discouraging is how do I get to know others unless I dare to make my blunders and fail rather than attempting to try?

And that, my friends, is WHY I AM HERE.

hugs to all (especially the lady with the big red letters),
Colleen