I go to my spiritual classes and feel great. Then I use my meditation and nuture nature. Then I end up so depressed latter the next day or week or whatever. I take my meds everyday, I try to be upbeat and take walks, I listen to happy music, I try to stay away from the lifetime network. Yet still I picture ways to die, I just keep feeling how tired of life I am, nothing makes me feel happy or even anything but sad, or angry. How can I be a mother and wife? I want the darkness and peace of the nothingness death will be. I've had near death experiences and I felt peace for the first time.