(((((((((( MUE ))))))))))))

I have been thinking a bit about how to reply to you on all this because I can tell it is really eating you up on the inside. So I hope this comes out right and I hope that it helps.

When I was in my 20's, I had major issues with how my peers were treating me. Some of the people I called my best friends would treat me like emotional dirt. I would blow up and that made the situation worse. I would go into T and T would never be mad at my friends for what they did wrong... and that made me ever angrier about the whole situation. On the inside, it felt as though the entire world was just looking at me like I was a monster and they just wanted me gone. I hated that feeling more than anything.

One day I was telling my college T about a major fight in my household of two roomies and me. They were both attacking me without mercy. I got very angry at both of them and said some very mean things to them. I had never been that angry openly towards them. My T sat there and started talking about my response and such - and I grew even hotter! I finally lashed out at him and said "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU! THEY WERE THE ONES ATTACKING ME! YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT!"

I can still see college T now as he folded his hands together and placed them on his chest in the most thoughtful way. He was so silent and still, and I was out of breath from yelling at him and just sat there looking at him. Then he spoke and said something that went like this:

"W, I have seen you come in here session after session and I know how mentally cruel those two 'ladies' are to you at times. But you have told me that you can't get out of the situation at this time, so this is your reality.

My job is NOT to change your reality, and it is not to change how others treat you. You are going to encounter more people like this long after you are out of college. If I sat here and just agreed with you about how horrible people can be to eachother, I do not deserve to sit behind this desk and do this job.

My job is to help you learn the skills you need so you can stand up for yourself in a constructive way. Once you learn these skills, it won't matter at all who says what to you or why they said it. You will be the one in charge of your reality. What I am trying to teach you is how to beat the bully at their own game because life is full of bullies."

Anyway, that was a turning point for me internally. I started to change how I participated in conversation with others. Here are some of the key points I discovered through those years. They are keys I have to use each and every day. And they helped me to change MY reality.

1) I am only responsible for MY actions. And I AM responsible for those actions and words.

2) I cannot change others. It is not my place or right to do so. Some people are mean, some people are nice. Bottom line is that People are People. They all have their own set of things. My job is to change W - not to change them.

3) It is my right to feel my emotions. And it is the right of others to feel their emotions. If a friend is mad at me for any reason, I must honor their right to feel that emotion.

((( Hint: This one key totally transformed the way arguements went with the two I lived with because my college T had me TELL THEM the following if emotions were getting hot: "You have the right to feel that way. I respect your right to that feeling." OMG - the look I would get for that! Those who wanted to push me over the edge - the bullies - that would set them off big time. But my rebuttle would be the same response over and over. The bully person would finally give up trying to get me upset and they would go sulk. But guess who was now in control of her own emotions! ))

Those are the three keys that helped me the most. Big safe hugs to you!!