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Sep 20, 2010, 07:48 PM
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Member Since: Sep 2010
Location: Eastern Seaboard
Posts: 9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bridgie
so I have this cousin. as kids we all used to play and had fun. somewhere along the line some animosity came about. I dont even really know why. I have always been slightly jealous of her, and her family, its a favortism thing. my family was the black sheep and I more so than all the rest. I always thought she was so pretty, popular(lol this was high school times) and that she had so many things I didnt, yep a little jealous. but for her to not like me I dont know what I did or what is is about me. Recently I've been thinking about my cousin some of the things that have occured and a possibility of making amends. I feel bad that we arent close because we are family. so I wrote her an email on fb told her i saw a pic of her daughter and how lovely and big she is getting. my cousin runs a daycare and at work we just got a new educational section and I let her know in the email plus a way to get a discount if she was eligible. and told her I just wanted to say hi and requested to be her fb friend. She hasnt responded or accepted my friend request but she has been on. She is friends with my sister and brothers. I have her sister and mom as friends. Also recently I received an invite to her baby shower. I went to her sisters so Im feeling a little obligated but Im wondering why do I have to go. She doesnt like me, she didnt come to mine, she wont accept me as a friend. plus some the things she did when we were younger are still bothersom. why am I so worried about her, why do i even care. I don't think I should force myself to go to her baby shower. I don't know. I dont even know why i bother.
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FWIW, I don't think it's trivial that it hurts your feelings -- mine would be hurt, too. You're both adults, what occurred in the past (high school! Speaking of trivial, wasn't everything, then?) is in the past and the behavior you're exhibiting: Trying to make amends for past disagreements, communing with her as a parent, sent her a coupon that most of us mothers could desperately use as a kind gesture...it sounds righteous to me. It sounds like she's the one who's being trivial -- the hurt you're feeling is valid.
That said: I think you've made all the unrequited gestures you're obligated to make and if it were me, I would not go to that shower. Speaking for myself, I have found myself in situations like this (mainly with my late husband's family, who willfully ignore me and our son since his death and don't include us in family things -- me, I understand, but their own flesh and blood? Makes my own blood boil! It hurts!) and I could only take so many rejections veiled in willful ignorance of my existence before I wrote a letter and said, "NO MORE, my continual efforts to maintain a relationship with you for the sake of the child I bore with your son are obviously futile; should you wish to have a relationship with him or me, the effort is now officially on your shoulders to make it happen. With love, MG71."
That was two years ago and not only did my letter go unacknowledged, but we continue to be ignored by them unless it is convenient for them and then they put demands on me and I just keep putting down my foot -- demands don't fly, either. It will take an earnest discussion explaining "why," and a sincere, non-aggressive approach to a relationship with us to change my mind: It was affecting my mental health, causing me anxiety and triggering traumas and I decided I'd rather not feel guilty about people that didn't care about my feelings.
I hope that you are able to make a decision that will leave you feeling good about yourself, knowing that you are the "better person," so to speak, and that will help you eventually put this woman in a place of relative irrelevance in your mind and soul. In my opinion: You've done more than enough. Don't beat yourself up!
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