After doing so well, I had another dissociative episode in my counselor's office. I haven't had one in his office in several months. I asked inside to see who was out and why, but no one has come forward. Losing time now seems like it is even more frightening because I have had more control than ever before and now I feel as if I am going backwards. Sometimes, at the most inopportune times (as if there is a better time to dissociate), it happens and I feel so disoriented when I come back. It feels like it is worse than before. I thought I had this under control and to now know that is not true is disheartening. I can't help but feel extreme frustration and high anxiety because of this. I thought that maybe it is the work we are doing in our counseling sessions, but I am not sure. Our counselor gives us homework and this last bit has been very difficult. It makes me look at things I would rather not look at and admit. I have very high anxiety just putting them onto paper. I want so much to be more functional, but this is really kicking my butt. I don't know if I should tell him that I just can't do this, but I feel that if I don't do it, I won't get better and perhaps become worse. I know he would respect my decision, but I don't even know what that would be. I am afraid that the dissociation will get out of control again. I can't have that happen now. The job that I do requires me to be fully present and aware because I use hazardous materials and if I dissociate that not only puts me and everyone inside in danger, but it also puts my co worker in danger too. Sometimes I feel like I just want to curl up in my bed under the covers and not come out until it is safe, but I don't know that there will ever be a time that it is completely safe. I wish I knew what to do. Thanks for listening.

Cris